“How are you doing?”
We are often asked that question. We often ask that question.
Many times, after the four words are stated, the person asking doesn’t wait for an answer. “How are you doing?” has become a repeated phrase, a substitute for saying hello, using very little brain energy to state and very little time to wait for an answer.
I was once asked the question and the person turned to walk away. He assumed I would also. I didn’t. I stood in my place, staring at the one who quoted the cliché question. He paused, realizing his hurry rushed him past my response.
I slowly spoke, saying, “It has been a difficult month. Thanks for asking.”
He apologized for echoing a question and not waiting for an answer. I smiled, confessing my own tendencies to do the same.
A deep conversation followed. I asked him the question, “How are you doing?” He initially began responding by talking about his church’s attendance, his sermon from last Sunday, the changes they are trying to make in his congregation, and his plans for future growth. I calmly interrupted his lecture. “I’m not asking about your church,” I said. “I’m asking how you are doing.”
He hesitated, turning his eyes away from me and staring toward the wall. I’m glad he didn’t rush a response. I’m glad he didn’t hurry a quote.
Eventually he turned toward me and said, “I think you know how I’m really doing.”
I listened as he told me his story. Hurt, rejection, doubts, questions—those servings on the table of ministry which wound us, which leave scars.
Let’s move this toward you now. How are you doing? Is anyone regularly asking you that question, and waiting on a response? Are you answering the question honestly? Who is there to rejoice with you when you are doing well? Who is there to listen and love and hurt with you when you are not doing well?
Maybe these should be on your goal list:
· Pursue relationships with people who ask you the question, “How are you doing?” Not the four-word-question stated in place of hello. Look for a servant leader who doesn’t just talk and teach and preach. Seek one who listens well, and who will make time to listen to you.
· Pursue relationships with people who listen to your answer. A friend, a relative. A pastor, a mentor. Someone you can trust. If they have time and if they deeply care, tell them how you are doing.
· Pursue relationships with people who help you find steps to take that are related to how you are really doing. As you find those who listen and offer help, be courageous enough to receive the help they offer. They just might point out what you often ignore.
Take a moment today. Think about you.
For now, be still. Let the Lord your Shepherd lead you beside still waters and restore your soul (Psalm 23). And remember that you yourself are one of the sheep in need of a shepherd.
I love asking the question, “Hey, how are you doing?” The reason I love asking this question is because it starts a conversation if the person I am asking is being honest. Sometimes I am just really bad at starting conversations, so leading with “Hey, how are you doing,” helps a lot. Being asked how I am doing is the opposite though. A lot of the time, I answer that question with “good” because I do not want to have to be vulnerable in a way. I do not want to be reminded that I am hurting. I do not want to be emotional. I have done a lot better about that question and answering honestly, but to a certain extent still.
“How are you doing” is always an interesting question. I have lied before about how I am doing but I have also known people that have lied about it too. I think we all think that people might not want to hear our junk, they’re just asking that to be nice, or we may be lazy so we don’t give them a complex answer. I myself am guilty of that. I used to have trouble on what to say to strangers to get to know them. Then I have always heard “Hey how are you doing” so I started doing that too and I guess it is like a default conversation starter or to be friendly. I always say good because I do not want to dive in to my issues that I struggle with. I am sometimes honest but I am not sometimes.
I had a conversation recently with someone and we talked about the fact that genuine energy and effort in relationships comes from the same place that as asking someone this four-word question and actually meaning it does. Though it may come from a place of surface politeness, it can harm things like the trust and genuineness in the relationship.
This question of “How are you doing?” is a very good conversation starter because if anybody tells the truth we would have plenty of vulnerable conversations with people. In reality, people often don’t tell the truth to this question, me being one of them. I often don’t like to trouble people with my concerns or problems because it holds them back from what they need to do or they don’t care to know how I am truly feeling. Even as leaders, it is crucial to understand that we need people who are willing to listen to us when they ask “How are you doing?” I want to try to be as intentional as I can with this question because I want other people to know that I am there for them and I hope they would be there for me too.
Reading this post it reminds me that It’s so easy to put on a fake smile when someone asks you how are you doing. I know it is for me. Many times I have felt the pressure of life and tried to avoid the embarrassment of telling someone how I really am when asked how am I doing. However when someone I trust asks me that question and I can be honest with them and confess how I really feel it really does help bring healing to me. I wanna be the kind of person that someone can trust and be honest with. That is who Jesus is. He’s the kind of man who not only wants us to come to Him but He wants us to come to Him as we are. He wants us to be honest with Him and give Him our hearts. What a friend we have in Jesus.
This season has grown me in many ways but one of the most significant of those has been intentionality. It is so worth the time to ask that question from a genuine heart, to wait on the response, and to empathize in that season with someone. Intentionality breeds genuine, loving relationships. It makes us more like Jesus, yes, but it also makes others feel more loved the way Jesus does.
Thinking about pursuing relationships in that the other party listens to your answer is a great point. If you answer and you feel as though you aren’t being listened to or it’s just a surface conversation you won’t be getting the most out of the conversation. For me this makes me feel a little more alone than I should feel but that’s because I’m not being listened to. It’s important to be vulnerable as long as there is someone there to listen.
This was a great post. This is a great reminder of who people should surround themselves would. Sometimes people forget how much asking how a person is can affect them. We need to remember how much we can impact someone’s life.
I really loved this post! I agree that this is a questions that American’s ask just to be polite, but not really expecting anything other than the answer good. I believe as follows of Jesus it is important that we become intentional with making relationships and not only checking up on how people are truly doing but also how we are truly doing. We need people in our life that we can mentor as well as be mentored and poured into.
I enjoyed this post! I think this question can be interpreted in many ways. You can say it in a manner of just being polite and that’s the social norm or you can ask it because you are genuinely interested. This question is asked genuinely because it can build a relationship where the question could bring the conversation deeper.
This is an interesting question it is hard to answer because often I believe saying I’m doing OK or doing great does not sum up how I am doing. So many of us Simply put a mask on to get through that question so that we do not have to answer it. But I know there’s people out there that when they ask that question they want the honest answer out of me and they’ll sit there and listen to my answer and having those people in your life is very important knowing who they are and being willing to open up when they ask the question is important while at the same time being there for them and asking them that question and being willing to sit there when they open up to you.
I am having to enter my response again. I should have used word or something my mistake. I am getting better at giving my worldly problems to the Lord Jesus Christ. This will make my answer to the question of how I am doing better. More peace comes with prayer and faith in Jesus Christ. I am going to take the time and this platform to say thank you to Jesus Christ for everything. God bless you all.
Despite being pretty outgoing, I keep a lot of things to my chest. I don’t go very deep with myself, let alone other people. This semester has been very difficult for me. I have gone through a lot of things and my usual technique of just powering through is showing some flaws. I’ve been trying to be intentional in taking inventory of myself and knowing that it is okay to not be okay. I have tried to ask myself “how am I doing?”, instead of the “I’m fine” that I normally always turn to.
I don’t like this question. I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of my response. I’m afraid that my answer is ‘not very good’ often. Like Camden said, I’m pretty outgoing, but I don’t talk much. I don’t think I’ve ever been good at talking. I don’t want to get into some of the things I deal with because I deal with the same things often, and because of that, I’m afraid of a condemning response. In a way, I’m not being very humble because I’m almost too prideful to talk to anyone. I know I need to work on this, but I’m just afraid that someone will turn me away because I deal with the same things over and over. Maybe I’ve got too much of a defeatist mindset.